Journal page 13

"You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger."

I only think of this now because of the lecture I endured by my nemesis and friend, Opalette. She does not believe that I am capable of changing my issues with rage.
I believe that saying to be true. The suffering I have caused others is likely as equal to the suffering I caused myself. That is not to say that I do not deserve some recompense for the harm that I have done. I do deserve to be punished for my sins and for others to seek justice.
And if that day never comes, I will not be at peace. I torment myself as much as I've tormented others. It is not an excuse, but a mere fact. I am a man fueled by anger, and anger is as equally destructive inside of me as it is on the out.

She does not believe that I am capable of love. I do not deserve to love, or in turn, be loved. This truly caused me a moment of pause. What if she is right? What sort of piece of shit am I to bring this woman into my life only to harm her in the end?

But, after some reflection, I do not believe this to be true. Already I have changed slightly. I am not becoming someone else. Rather, I am growing.

Everything changes, even if nothing is truly lost.

I doubt I will ever be without my wrath. Though, the little things have come to bother me less since I have had this woman in my life. With time, I wonder if even the larger things will come to irk me.

Which brings me to several notes I mean to discuss, but have not had the time to do so.

Yes, I told my friends and the women I had been sleeping with about my new girlfriend. I broke it off with them completely. I was forthright and honest. But, for her sake and safety, I never disclosed her name. There are many people looking to harm me and what I hold dear.... and they aren't merely spurned women.

And yes, the number of people looking to run me out of town grows. The Blood Knights have become particularly interested in me, and have been questioning my woman. I do trust her. She has told them nothing.

One Blood Knight in particular has become interested in the shipments of thistle running in and out of Booty Bay. I always keep my employees armed, but if he manages to shine light on my business to higher authorities, I may have to think about relocating the central hub. This could cost me a fortune. My problems continue to increase, despite the beautiful silver lining I have found in my life. Normally, this would send me into a blind rage. Thanks to her, I have been restrained.

I have no desire to kill Blood Knights. Generally speaking, they are good, honest, and true men. But, they see me as some sort of monster. I've been told that people have come to see me as the mob boss of the entire Row. I'm flattered, but this is not remotely true. For one thing, I have nothing to do with the people trafficking that occurs within the Dark Market. I have one niche, that is it.

The Blood Knights seek a villain that they can all agree upon to hate and waste their energies. Apparently, I have become that man. While many of the things that I do are morally questionable, I am a necessary evil, and far better than the alternative.  Additionally, the corruption within their ranks is as just as vile as my own wickedness. Actually, if you wanted my opinion, I think it is worse. They are hypocrites. I at least make no qualms about openly stating that what I do isn't entirely 'good.'

My blood is just as red as theirs.

Your friend always,

Kiaphus